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Old English

Hey!
Not that long ago I was really hungry and took can of peaches from my stash. I opened the can and was about to take one peach, but suddenly I felt sorry for them, I got very scared and crapped my pants. Later, when I put on my new clean pants, I want to take a peach from the can again, but I got scared again. Then, I puked twice into the sink and went to brush my teeth with a toilet paper. I always damn that moment, when my grandmother pours russian vodka instead of milk into my plate with Kellogs Corn Flakes. I do not take offense at her, since she was a nurse at the front line in Afghanistan and rescued wounded soldiers with a hammer and saw. She also captured two Taliban fighters and tortured them to death, each day pouring them russian vodka into a plate with Kellogs Corn Flakes. After Breakfast, my grandmother dropped on the floor with seizures, almost died, I had to make a contrast enema and cardiopulmonary resuscitation to her immediately. My grandmother has such seizures, so that she keeps using dried poppies straw since she was in Afghanistan or sometimes smokes pot instead. Once again my grandmother was resurrected, I took two peaches from the can, put them in my pocket and went to the pool. Once a week I attend to the pool to swim and relax, but this time there was a dark story.

I came to a swimming pool and went to the locker room to put on my swimming suit. There was a dirty gypsy with me in the locker room, who smelled like sump bucket, he offered me to buy Armani perfume from him for 20 euro. But I know that he stole them form a cheap parfume's shop, whose price was only 6 euro. And then I remembered that I have used enema in my bag from that time, when I used it, when grandmother had seizures. I took an enema, started squeezing it and I have stained gypsy's ugly mug with liquid from it. And at that time I was reading a prayer, gypsy got dirtier, he got scared and ran away. I put on my swimming suit, I closed the locker and entered the pool. As I said, I go to the swimming pool once a week to do an underwater huntin and to find treasure of the Aztecs. Once, under water I have even found someone's rubber sneakers, a wig, someone's dildo and nunchuck. Apparently there was a pool party for Shaolin monks. I continued my under water hunt and suddenly I felt that I want to take a leak immediately. And I had an idea that I won't make it to the toilet in time. With out any hesitation I decided to take a wee in a pool, which I did very instant. After that I saw around me a giant yellow wee cloud, which started to float around the pool. People noticed that cloud and began to run out of the water in terror, thinking that it is Siberian Plague spreading. To prevent me from being caught in the act of crime, I also got out from the pool. I entered the locker room, opened the locker to grab two peaches in the pocket of my pants, but I didn't find anything, so I realized that the peaches were stolen by that dirty gypsy. I saw dirty footprints on the floor  and walked along them, the footprints led me to the women's shower rooms. In the doorway I saw a large crowd of naked women, who washed themselves and I noticed that one of the women was rubbing herself with my peach ,that is, using it as a sponge. Apparently, that dirty gypsy stole my peaches and sold one of them to this woman. It is possible that this dumb head thief sold my peach to a women, as a peach flavored sponge, for 20 euro. I am a merciful person and have shown compassion for this gypsy. I wish him to taste a peach at least once in his life. After that he will fall on the floor with seizures and shits himself.

As you see dear friends - my life is filled with bright moments. I don't need to go to the shrink to tell him how great my dump was, and after that I was obsessed that someone has been reading my thoughts, for an example by a squirrel. I share with you my dear friends and it makes me to feel better. I presume that European Union is going to bunghole. As you know millions of refugees keep coming to the European Union, many of them arabs, who commit terrorist actions then. Once, when I was walking in the city park, I noticed a strange man, dressed in some sort of black rag, that covered the whole body. I took a branch for self-defense, approached this man and tore off his black rag, there was a naked dude. I turned out that it was not an arab terrorist, but it was an ordinary exhibitionist. By the way, Trump said, that he would send all muslims out of the country, but I think that there is no need to rush, because among Muslims there are also a lot of good people such as Muhhamad and Allah. When I was going to bed, grandfather read to me arabian tales, but most of which were about Vietnam war. I could be rich like arab sheikh, because in 1999 I had the idea to create my own social network. As I said before, I didn't had toilet inside a house, but rather one outside and it was so popular, that there was a queue of neighbours all the time, and they were mauling each other for the first place in line to shit. At the time I created a union of "Toilet Faces", but did not registered the site and then my idea was stolen. As I said before, that I will sell unique items on this site, I will not sell potatoes because the tractor driver hit the bottle and there are nobody to harvest potato. And so, attention! A felt-tip is available for sale now, for symbolic 100 dollars. It easy to get it, by a mail parcel. If you want to buy some kind of rubbish, then be sure to mail me! Pencils, markers, old bowls, match boxes, dummies - all this can be yours. And if you do not want to buy anything just support me from the heart! By the way you can write to me suggestions, criticism, advices, wishes, if you want to send me gifts or threats, then you can do it via contact form. You know I collect the money to save panda and for development of happiness. And I also save money to buy a lot of church candles and to light them in the car(hopefully one day I'll be able to offer it to myself). Also, I write rap, maybe in future I will be able to perform a concert in Brighton Beach. Don't be afraid to help someone who needs it!  After all, there is nothing wrong with that! Let the great garlic be with you as well as cash flows! I wish you to be happy and I will be with you.

Thank you for attention, follow up the news, play, buy and share!